Whilst I wait...

The time has come to register for fall 2011 classes. This will be my 7th time going through this process. The internet shuts down, every single Aggie that has facebook begins complaining about how they can't register, and then the next day all you talk about is "how annoying Banner is." Needless to say, it is much harder than it needs to be. Registration opened at midnight, and we are all battling for our chance to get the classes we need in order to continue on our educational path.
So whilst I wait, I write.
Something I like to do is Blog Surfing. I could honestly spend all day long reading through a random persons blog, then when I get tired of that, go to the top of the page and hit "next blog..." I love it. It satisfies me and keeps me entertained. I learn more from strangers, mothers, (gay) mormons, burn victims, crafters, friends, etc...than I seem to learn in my classrooms.
{pause. hit refresh on Banner. continue}
Something hit me today. Well it has been just pinching me for the past while, but it slapped me right in the face today. I AM SELFISH. I swear it seems that all I worry about is ME ME ME. I keep wondering "why am I so stressed?" or "why is this bugging me so much?" Um, hello Ashley. Look around you. Listen to what everyone else is saying. Once you literally forget yourself and go to work, things will get better/easier/simpler. You already know this. How many times do you have to learn?
A lot, apparently.
I am so blessed, you guys. We all are. If you are anything like me, we take the small things for granted.
{refresh.}
Look in the mirror. What do you see? I am critical and will more often than not judge every aspect of my face, body, intelligence (or the lack thereof. Oh look, there I go again), personality, weaknesses. I am my biggest critic.
What I hope to be able to see everyday, and not just at moments, is a reflection of someone who is confident, loving, forgiving, innocent, effort-ful (is that a word), and happy. Because that is who I am.
I am trying, and that is just what I need to keep doing. Try to be better, always.
Someday I won't be too scared to write in my journal, letting go of the fear of reading back and being ashamed or embarrassed. But happy with what I have done and learned and accomplished, and how I have grown. Because if I am trying to be better, always...there's no way I won't grow.
I got some much-needed ear time from 2 of my best friends today. Thank you, ladies. I hope that someday soon I won't have to rely on others words to feel better about myself. I will know my worth and strength and capabilities on my own.
{refresh.}
I will let my walls down and be vulnerable. I will give my life to the Lord. I will trust, with all my heart, in the man that loves me and wants to call me wifey. I will love him endlessly, and never put anyone above him or my Father in Heaven and Savior.
{refresh. nothing.}
I think I will give up on Banner until tomorrow.
Or else I'll keep rambling and you will all think I am crazy for writing on my blog and not in a journal. Don't worry, I'm working on it.
Thanks for visiting and listening. It means a lot.
Until next time: Desire
ps. Happy bday Mom and ValPal