Thoughts

• I guess I'm really awesome at blogging once every 6-12 months. That's great and all, but what is the point of having blog space if you aren't going to use it? Especially if you've been paying $2.75 a month toward more storage space for the last 4 years. Whoops! 
• Speaking of 4 years- it's hard to get over the fact that there are FOUR YEARS of life events {really important ones, at that} that have not made it onto this blog. I blame instagram! I feel like it came and swooped all the regular bloggers up into the ease of posting a picture and a short description. I love insta, just like I love this blog. And as much as I LOVE seeing everyone's pictures {and posting pictures of my own} I feel like it only gives me a moment of relief. I miss writing things out. Writing is therapeutic. And it's hard. Doing hard things is fulfilling. Sitting down to write with two little ones needing me at every moment besides when they are soundly asleep is HARD. I can do hard things! 
• I'm kind of at the point in my life where I need something for me. With having babies and staying home with them comes the potential loss of yourself. I wouldn't say I've completely LOST myself, but I could very well be on that path if I don't find something to do daily/almost daily that is more uplifting than mindlessly scrolling through my social media apps multiple times a day because I just don't have the ability to....I just lost my train of thought because the kids are screaming at me :D 

I'll be back. Maybe in 6 months, but I WILL be back.

Totally

Every once in a while I come across a meme that has me saying "yeah! That's me!" Here are a few that have resonated lately. Can you relate? 

My Girl

In case you didn't know... We have a new{ish} addition to our family! 

Her name is Reese. She is really pretty and happy and we love her a lot!

Here is her birth story.

Sidenote: I had {our now 2 1/2 year old} Oliver 3 weeks early, so throughout all of my pregnancy with Reese I just planned on having her early. This stressed me out because we had a family reunion and were moving within those weeks that I thought she was coming. 

Once I hit 37 weeks I was on edge 24/7! It's all I could think about...

was that a contraction? why can't I remember what a contraction feels like?

where will we all be sleeping when she comes? 

should I be lifting these boxes? I should lift more boxes.

I want her to come, but am I really ready for 2 kids?? 

I was going crazy...for reals.

Early on in the pregnancy my dr asked me if I would want to be induced. 

I quickly said no, because there's no way I was going to reach my due date!

{BTW- I was dilated to a 1 at 34 weeks, then a 3 at 37 weeks}

Well what do you know, my due date came and I was DONE being a crazy lady.

I had a dr appointment that day and asked when I could be induced. 

Much to my surprise she said, "today!" Didn't expect that. 

She told me to hurry home and grab my bag and get Oli situated and head to the hospital within 2 hours. 

Suddenly I wasn't so sure I was ready to share my love with another little feller just yet!

Last picture as a family of 3

My inlaws and sister in law took care of my little dude for the time I was in the hospital. It was so nice knowing he was in loving hands, 

I would've been a {bigger} stress case otherwise. 

My one and only belly picture

We got checked in around 2, I put my gown on, then we got to hang out for a while.

{I had to have penicilin in my system for 4 hours before getting anything going}

3 hours in, my nurse said we could break my water to start the process. She gave me the option of having my epidural first, and I was like HECK YEAH! 

Painless labor is pretty cool. 

Epidural...check

Broken water...check

Bachelorette Men Tell All on the tv...check {lucky Jon}

Within the hour after my water was broken, I was feeling lots of pressure with each contraction. 

It wasn't painful pressure, but I could definitely feel that Reese was getting ready to make her entrance! 

I clicked on the epidural-juice button a couple times in anticipation of pain, but it never came!

I was quickly dilated to a 10, things were moving really fast. 

My dr showed up, I pushed twice, felt everything {minus pain, again}

 then we heard the most piercing baby cry. 

This girl wanted her presence to be known! 

Welcome to the world, Reese Nicole! 

7lbs, 21 inches

Sweet in every way

I didn't tear as bad this time, and my recovery felt so much better. Lucky!!

I was often scared I wouldn't have anymore room in my heart for more kids...

Oliver took up all of the space! 

The amazing thing? My heart instantly grew bigger the day Reese was born.

Reese has been the best little baby. I recently started calling her "Flow" because she honestly just goes with the flow. As long as you aren't completely ignorning her, she is happy as can be. Even when her big bro is smothering her with "hugs and kisses". 

{his hugs= laying on top of her with all of his body weight...not so gentle but she just goes with it, grinning from ear to ear}

She is a great eater, semi-good sleeper, and nothing short of beautiful. 

I am so grateful to have a loving Heavenly Father that trusts me with these sweet babies. 

Being a mom of two under 2 has it's challenges, but I am quickly reminded what a blessing it is. 

She's Back!

You guys... It's official. I'm the worst

. I literally have not opened this blog since Oli was 6 months old. Two years ago! That's really sad. 

BUT! I've had this itch to blog again for a couple reasons. 

1- Memories. Let's be honest, I don't write in my journal more than once a year. 

I need some way to record whats-a-happenin' in our little family. 

2- My sanity. If you are around little kids all day, you know what I mean. 

There's only so much fb and insta scrolling you can do throughout the day to take a little break from the daily tantrums and frequent bum changes. 

So HEY! I'm really hoping this will last and I'll find joy in writing out some of my thoughts. 

I may even share some of my favorite recipes and other yummy things like that. We shall see. 

6 Months Later...

I kind of forgot about this little blog!
 It pops into my head every once in a while,
 but the thought of trying to find time to sit down and UPDATE... sounds awful. 

So for now here is a picture from Oli's 6 month photo shoot. Just one. 

Because it is almost one in the morning.  

Maybe one of my New Years goals will be to blog twice a month. 

Or maybe I'll wait another 6 months to type 4 lines. We will see! 

I love him a lot! 

Say Hello to Oliver!

Tuesday June 18 was a pretty normal day to begin with. Little did I know my whole world would shortly be changing.

I was getting ready for my second day back to work after being on bed rest for 2 1/2 weeks. 

I was really excited to get out of the house and make some money! 

As I was doing my hair and such I started to have some mild cramps and contractions

{I figured they were Braxton Hicks as they weren't very painful}.

Within 45 minutes they became so strong that I couldn't stand up through them.

I was literally about to walk out the door thinking I would just sit at the register during work, 

but I had a feeling I should just tell Bradon that either I would be late or having a baby. 

He laughed and was fine with it.

{Bradon is our good friend. He is managing for me this summer. He has been such a champ and doesn't hate me -yet- for all of the craziness that has evolved in the last weeks of this pregnancy}.

Jon was gone to class and work for the day. I tried calling and texting him a handful of times and couldn't get a hold of him... 

that's when I started to freak! I knew his class got over an hour earlier, so what the heck??

I was about to drive the hospital myself when he finally called me back. 

He got home so fast and did a great job keeping me calm as he finished packing our hospital bag. 

On our way to LDS Hospital we got stuck on the freeway where there was a horrible accident.

I had 5 or more stroooong contractions before we had even moved. So fun! 

We got there at 2pm, I got my hospital gown on, and they checked to see how far along I was.

"Oh wow, you're at a 7 and 100% effaced. You want an epidural right? We better get that going right now before it's too late!" 

Good work, bod ;)

The epidural rocked and I felt relief almost instantly. So much that I couldn't feel my left leg at all, it was crazy.

They wheeled me into the delivery room to hang out for at least 4 hours so the penicillin could do it's work 

{or else I could have passed strep b to the babe}.

My sister Brittany met us there, I was so grateful to have her there to give advice and help me understand just what was going on. 

AND she took pictures of the delivery which is pretty awesome.

Around 6pm the nurse came in to check me and break my water. I was at a 9. 

After breaking my water I felt very strong contractions on my right side. They were so painful it seemed as if I hadn't had an epidural at all! The anesthesiologist asked if I would like to have the epidural re-administered. In my mind I thought the delivery would go really quick, but Britt reminded me that she pushed for 2 1/2 hours with her first...so I decided a second shot was a great idea!

Once again it worked instantly and I felt so much relief. Thank goodness!

We started pushing at 7:50pm and had to stop because the dr wasn't there yet and baby's head was sticking out! {tmi? sorry!}

Dr Jackson got there, I pushed 4 or so more times and we were done! SO much quicker and easier than I could have hoped for. 

 

 Say hello to Oliver Jack Feller!

Born 3 weeks early on Tuesday June 18 at 8:38pm.

7 pounds 3 ounces.

20 1/2 inches long. 

The amount of love that I feel for this perfect little boy is impossible to explain. 

It is amazing that this sweet baby was just with our Heavenly Father, and that we have always been his mom and dad here on earth. I can't wait to watch him grow! He already has some cute quirks about him. I love watching him sleep with his mouth open. He loves his hands. He loves to be snuggled, if only he could just sleep on my chest all night every night...I bet we would both get a lot more sleep that way. I love when he is awake, his eyes are so sweet. He spits up a lot, but it doesn't bother him. I feel bad that his clothes get all wet and his tummy is probably hungry majority of the time, but he only cries when he is getting changed because our house is so cold. I love his long fingers and toes. I love his poo face. I love his gas smiles. 

I just love my little Oli.

The amount of love I feel for my feller is also impossible to explain. It seemed to grow so much as soon as Oliver was laid on my chest.

Together we created this beautiful babe, I can't imagine a better dad for my children.  

He has already been so helpful day and night. He adores our little guy so much. I can't wait to watch him and our son be buddies and play sports. 

Jon is hoping that Oliver will be taller than both of us... we will see about that! 

 Oli loves getting bathed

 He sleeps all day and stirs all night. We  will figure it out :) 

 Oliver and I love skin-to-skin. 

 Heading home was a little scary, but it has been great.

It is hard to remember our lives before Oliver joined our family! 

My body seems to be getting used to the lack of sleep and countless hours of feeding and changing.

We have hoped and prayed for this for some time, I can't imagine a better time than now for Oli to be here.

 It is going to be a challenge at times with Jon in school and work full time, money is going to be reallllly tight for years to come. 

But I know I am supposed to be a mother. I know Oliver was sent to our family at this time for special reasons. 

What a sacred experience this whole pregnancy has been. 

We love you so much, Oliver! 

Maternity Shoot

A couple months ago I got a message from a friend who is a photographer saying I should enter a drawing for a FREE photo shoot with her!
I never ever win, but I figured I would take a chance.

Well what do you know...I won!

 Madison's business is called MK Nash Photography. She is so so sweet and way talented, I'm so happy with how our maternity shoot turned out!

Thank you, Madison! I can't wait to do our newborn shoot with you :)

Bed Rest

Last Thursday night as I was preparing for bed, I noticed I was having contractions very close together. 

I'm used to having Braxton Hicks every 40 minutes or so,
so I  didn't think anything was out of the ordinary when I was having contractions through out the day.

 After I washed my face and brushed my teeth I sat in bed and began to time each one. Turns out I was having a contraction every 3 to 5 minutes and they lasted about a minute. I was only 34 weeks and 4 days at this point so I reeeaallly didn't want to go to the hospital! 

I got in the bath around midnight and they didn't slow down at all. So reluctantly I had Jon call the doctor and she said we should go into labor and delivery. We asked her what the risk was of trying to just sleep through them and see if they stopped and she said we would probably be having our baby much sooner if we did that. Dang. Off to LDS hospital we went! 

We got checked in and the RN {who we loved, she was so nice} checked to see if I had dilated. 

Yep, I was dilated to a 3 and 60% effaced. "Well that's not what we want to see!" she said. 

I looked at Jon and we started laughing {slightly hysterically} because we were not prepared for this baby at all! We didn't even have a hospital bag packed, let alone diapers and wipes... nothing but our nursery furniture and bedding. 

They gave me a catheter to test my urine {so fun}, I couldn't really tell you what they were testing it for...

then I was given an iv and a shot of terbulatine {ouch} to relax the uterus and slow the contractions. 

It worked somewhat, but not enough to send me home so another bag of iv fluid, another shot of terbulatine and 4 hours later the contractions had slowed to every thirty minutes or so. 

It was 5:30 in the morning and they were ready to let us go home.

 They scheduled an appointment with my doctor the following Monday and told me I was to be on strict bed rest until then. We asked if I could even go to church and they said no. We were way sad about this because we were planning to go to Logan for the blessing of the Gordon's baby,
I'm sure it was beautiful. 

They also have me taking terbulatine every 6 hours to slow the contractions. 

We got home and headed straight to bed. Poor Jon slept for about 3 hours then had to go to campus to take a physics test :\  He was obviously really worried about it, but he did great and got an 85% :)

So Monday comes and I was so hopeful they would take me off bed rest, even though that is totally unrealistic! Dr Jackson checked me and I was still dilated to a 3 and was now 80% effaced. 

No getting out of bed for this girl for two more weeks. She said she wanted to see me get to 37 weeks before delivering this baby, because he still has some growing to do and some serious weight to gain. 

Today is day 9 out of 17. I'm more than half way through! 

I've been watching quite a bit of Netflix and Hulu, and the days actually go by pretty quick. 

The hardest part of it all has been not being able to go to work. I was planning on working up until week 38 or 39, but my body obviously had different things in mind. It wasn't the best timing because most of the employees are vacationing this month. Luckily the ones who are in town have been so willing to help..I just feel so bad for abandoning them without any warning.

Yesterday my sister and mom gave a wonderful baby shower with my friends and mom's side of the fam. 

It was supposed to be at Britt's in Park city, but they were so nice and brought it to my house. 

Even though it was WAY more work for them to throw it here, they didn't even complain once. 

Thank you so much Mom and Britt! It was so fun and all the little details were super cute.
Also thank you to those who came! Everyone was so nice and way too generous. 

This little feller is definitely surrounded by a lot of love from family and friends, we are so blessed. 

So for the next 8 days I'll just be laying here, eating as much as possible to help the babe put on some pounds. Hopefully it is working because I can just hear my bod telling me how FUN it is going to be to lose the weight I'm putting on :) It's all for the baby... he needs all the donuts and cookies he can get!

I meet with Dr Jackson again tomorrow, so stay tuned for any updates!

Magic

Do your hands and feet ever swell? 

My hands have always blown up a little bit when it is hot and I'm dehydrated.

Apparently carrying a baby makes your bod do crazy things at a more dramatic level. 

My feet get so swollen that it hurts to wear shoes all day. 

My calves are seriously like water beds after I stand for eight or more hours straight at work.

It takes a while for the sock indentations to go away ;)

{oh, and hello spidy veins!}

My hands are swollen 85% of the time. Sometimes I can't get my wedding ring off. 

Oh pregnancy, it's a beautiful thing! 

Last Sunday we were at one of our newest nephews baby blessing.

I was done having my finger circulation cut off, so I handed my ring to Jon to put in his shirt pocket. 

It was safe and sound and we made sure it was still there just before we left. 

Around 11 that night we were crawling into bed and I asked Jon if he would grab my ring 

so I didn't forget the next day.

He didn't hesitate to jump up and get it {he's really helpful, always}.

"uh... we have a problem!"

Yeah, the ring was gone. GONE! 

2 hours later our house and car had been torn apart and it was no where!

We seriously looked everywhere. Even in kitchen cabinets which hadn't been opened once that day. 

After saying a couple prayers each 

we called it a night and decided we'd check the yard and driveway in the morning.

I woke up a few times to Jon looking around our room and in the bed. He didn't sleep so well. 

When it was time to wake up {it was our anniversary :) } we were determined to find that treasure!

I headed into the clothes closet to search high and low for the 5th time and

 the first thing I grabbed was Jon's suit. I just started shaking it like a Polaroid picture.

Jon: "what are you doing??"

Ash: "I just want it to magically fall out!"

Nothin'.... Sad. 

My feller grabbed the suit from me to properly hang it back up...

PLOP.

The ring magically fell out! Are you kidding me?!

We couldn't stop laughing and even cried a little. 

From now on his Sunday attire will be known as The Magic Suit. 

I'm anxious to see what my hands and ankles look like once the little feller gets here in 8 weeks!

Just don't look too closely and I'll make pregnancy look like the funnest thing ever :)

the belly and a confession

This is mainly for my sisters/family and friends who are away and aren't really able to watch my belly grow... 

you guys will probably laugh at the early pictures, I really don't know why I even took them! 

 I mean really, it's silly that I even thought I looked slightly prego!

You can see a little bump there, right? 

I was not feeling too hot about myself this week, but hey I like the "U" that baby boy is sporting!

Here I am today, finally looking pregnant {right??}

I'll be honest one of the hardest things for me {mentally} this pregnancy has been the weight gain.
Weight has been one of the things I could actually have total control over in my life,
now it just feels out of my hands.
I didn't start gaining any until week 18 I think,
 and it just seems like it has been sky rocketing ever since!
Last time I went to the dr I was shocked- for reals. I was just over half way through and I weighed more than half the total weight I'd like to gain. aaand don't you gain more in the 3rd trimester?
Crappola!
That's when I knew it was time to start walking/exercising a bit more.
Yeah sure, I would say it's because I want to feel good and energized...
but deep inside I just don't want to see the scale jump 10 more pounds at my next appointment!
There is my confession. Please don't judge too harshly!
you're probably rolling your eyes right about now, and I accept that.
And I am getting better at accepting the fact that you gain weight when you have a human inside of you.
If the scale does jump up dramatically at my next appointment then I guess I'll just throw in the towel and holler "bring on the weight!"
because maybe there isn't much I can do about it after all ;) 

the little feller so far

Hey guess what? I total stranger asked me if I was pregnant today. I said, "Lucky for you, I am!" I wanted to give her a high five or something, because all I've been hearing is 'when are you going to look pregnant?' and 'are you sure there's a baby in there?'

My response? "You should see me when I'm naked!"

ha... that would never happen.

So here we are at 23 weeks! It's crazy to watch my belly grow. 

I'm grateful it's growing mainly because there is a little human in there and not entirely because I'm loving my coca cola a little much. 

I started feeling the little feller move around 16 weeks. At first it mostly felt little pokes all around my lower belly, but turned into stronger pokes and ROLLING around 18 weeks. 

Jon started to be able to feel the little movements around 19 weeks, but the babe likes to act like a statue as soon as one of our hands tries to feel him. 

The past couple of weeks I have been getting really sharp pains in my right upper back. Seriously? I was expecting my lower back to hurt but definitely not this. My dr said as long as my breathing is still normal, we're good! She also said working on my posture may help...I was slouching pretty badly when she gave me this tip :] 

Little does she know slouching actually lightens the stabbing pain momentarily! 

BUT I have to continually remind myself how lucky I have been in this pregnancy. I was basically just nauseous through the first trimester with very little {vomiting} and the week we entered the second trimester the nausea subsided! Hallelujah.

For the past ten weeks I've pretty much just been reeaallyy tired and on edge {mood wise} and I get heartburn at random times.

I'll take that over feeling like I'm on a roller coaster anyday! I don't think my hubby or employees would totally agree... sorry guys :/

We can't wait to meet him! It's crazy to think we only have 4 months to go. 

I wonder if this time will go fast? 

Hmm... probably not! 

Oh by the way. Jon is becoming an AMAZING foot masseuse. I am so lucky :)

Mothers, any tips on good leg exercises/movements to reduce cramping and swelling? 

Any of you experienced this sharp upper back pain? I'm assuming it's my ribs expanding... since that seems to be the case with the rest of my bod!

Is it normal to feel the babe move lots and lots for a few weeks, then just little bits here and there the next?

I just started going on walks 3-4 times a week {we are still in week one, ha}. Would it be okay to work up to a slow jog? Or is it smarter to just walk? 

The results are in...

I'm a Dreamer!

All of the "pregnancy boards" will tell you that crazy dreams are really common during pregnancy.
I can most definitely testify to that!
The craziest so far?
When I gave birth to a... dog.
The more I think about this dream, the funnier it is to me.

In the dream I didn't get much farther in the pregnancy than I am now, and the dog came out a beautiful german shepherd boy that was almost full grown.
Uh... How did he fit in there?
I remember being shocked and happy, and a bit disappointed that he had pointy ears instead of floppy ones.
He would pee around the house a lot, but this was okay since he was a newborn. And the diapers we had purchased didn't fit at all.
We took a lot of pictures, and as I shared them online people were confused and not so loving of this new babe of mine. They were convinced that I was never pregnant and that we had bought this dog to make everyone think the pregnancy was for reals.
Poor puppy I mean baby. Hopefully you at least have floppy ears. ;)

When I woke up and told Jon about it he said he probably would not love that dog very much {he isn't the biggest dog lover, like me}. I quickly added that he helped make that puppy and he would have no choice but to love him.

The end.

What the heck? I love dogs, but I'm 100% sure that I wouldn't want to give birth to one... ever!
The dog did have the name that we will most likely use if this sweet potato {the size this week} is indeed a boy. So maybe that's what my dreams are telling me.

What about you, any crazy dog bearing dreams you've experienced?

Have you heard?

Have you heard the news? 

We are having a baby! Due the beginning of July.

Jon and I are really excited and anxious, but we still have quite a ways to go. 

On being prego so far...

The first trimester was pretty much horrible. 

I was lucky to not be a barf-face at all times, but I constantly felt like I had just gone on an incredible roller coaster at an amusement park, and felt like I could be a barf-face at any moment. 

Almost on the exact day I entered the second trimester I felt a lot of relief. 

I am still incredibly tired and Mrs. Grumpy Pants, but I can actually get through the work day now.

I will definitely be taking advantage of the next couple months and working as much as possible until the queeziness returns. 

As far as a baby belly goes...I just look really bloated. Yayyy..!

Luckily my pants still fit, but it is probably time to start investing in some comfortable mommy bottoms. 

When the Dr told me I wouldn't show until week 20 I was a little bummed and didn't really believe her.

Let's just hope in the next four weeks I start to look pregnant and not just chubby in the mid-section! 

We are in week 16, the babe is about the size of an avocado.
We will find out the gender in about a month! 

I can't wait to see our little Feller on screen, maybe it will feel more legit ;) 

What are your guesses... BOY or GIRL? 

Empire State of Mind

I've been home from New York for a month now, and decided I guess it's time to post about it :)

My sweet Mother in law planned a once in a lifetime girls trip to New York in November. 

How cool is that?

I'd never been before and have always dreamt of going, so to say I was excited to go is quite an understatement! 

It was so great to spend 5 days with the Feller Females, they are always lots of fun and are wonderful examples to me. 

When we flew in it was really really snowy. It was sad to walk the streets because we saw quite a few homeless people shivering and trying to keep huddled in a ball to stay warm. 

That was the only day that it was snowing, other then that it was just a bit chilly. 

Luckily we all had our coats. 

While we were there we went shopping on canal street and got some great deals, went to the 9/11 memorial, ate yummy Italian food, and saw the Broadway show "Nice work if you can get it" which starred Matthew Broderick! I'm sad I didn't take any pictures while we were there, other than the not-so-flattering ones of me and two sistas. You wouldn't want to see them anyway :)

We saw a couple movies {which is one of my favorite things to do..}, ate SO much, shopped on 5th avenue, and visited Saint Patrick's Cathedral.

The Cathedral was really beautiful.

We saw the Christmas Spectacular at the Radio City Music Hall. I've heard of the Rockettes before, but never knew how amazing they are! If you can youtube some of their dancing, do it... it's so impressive. 

The show was a lot of fun, and had a great message about Christmas. 

We saw Newsies! This was one of my favorite movies as a kid, so seeing it LIVE was awesome. 

I may or may not be following some of the dancers on Instagram now ;)

There were at least 2 dancers from So You Think You Can Dance in the show, which was fun to watch! 

We visited the Empire State Building, I can't believe how high up we were. 

I couldn't get Alycia Keys song out of my head... Concrete jungle where dreams are made of! 

We did a bit more shopping and walking around the city. On Sunday we went to church at the temple then packed up to head home. 

By the end of the trip I felt happy that I don't live in a big city full of cigarette smoke, but I'm so glad I was able to walk those streets and really experience the kindness of New Yorkers first hand. 

I loved riding the Subways and having NO idea where I was. We were lucky to have one sister who has been there multiple times and kind of knew the system! 

I just have to say how grateful I am for such wonderful in-laws. 

I am truly blessed in the family department! 

Thank you for making my first girls trip in the family one to remember!